You are disgusting. I can't believe that you went to the mall to buy a new pair of shoes and you saw these things and thought to yourself, "why not".
I'll tell you why not, they have built in toe separators! Do you think that is cool? Well, it's not. It's fucking gross. You are gross.
I have your number mother fucker. I bet you live in one of our city's brand new condo buildings with that stupid medal siding, you follow a strict gluten free diet, you call 911 to report your neighbors being too loud and if you could I bet you'd call 911 to report your neighbors being too black. I bet you have a stupid little dog named after a lyric in a Dave Mathews song and when it's dark and you've had a long day, you just leave it's shit laying on the sidewalk for someone in normal shoes to step on in the morning. While you're at home you and your loveless wife are likely to be found sitting on separate leather bound sofas and silently watch episodes of Entourage until bed time. Assuming you are married, which let's be honest, you're probably not. Nope, it's just you sitting there with your Dave Mathews dog, wearing your "five toed running shoes", with Entourage playing in the background as you stare at pictures of naked Japanese girls on the internet and rub one out. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! Nothing about you is cool. Not even your DVD collection. That's right "five toe" your DVD collection sucks too! Do you know what owning all of the Pixar movies means? It either means that you're a little kid, that you have a little kid, or in your case it means you are a dip shit. Don't even get me started on the Kurosawa "films" you own because I know as well as you do that they are just on your shelf to impress girls you think you're going to meet on OK Cupid. You would be lucky to score a cow with 17 kids, bad credit and Polio.
Because I'm not a total blow hard, I don't know how fast you can run in "five toed running shoes" but if I were you I would start right now. Run somewhere that I can't find you. Someplace where your people are accepted (Bellevue?). Run as fast as you can with your stupid little shoes, out of my fucking city, and listen out for the faint echo of sexy people dancing in the streets celebrating your departure. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Sincerely,
Alexandra Cartwright
i think that everyone with these shoes probably read some book about running like the prehistorics did, or one of their friends read a book about how the prehistorics ran or read an article about the book about how the prehistorics ran, and that that is sad in its own right, but like, coming from an actual frame of reference and not just because they like ugly things. is all. and also, women with a lot of kids aren't cows so much as women with a lot of kids.
ReplyDeleteHow can anyone know how prehistorics ran? They existed before history! Also, good point re: cows.
ReplyDelete